Please note that this blog shares a student story regarding sexual assault. If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault, please consider the following resources: Health & Wellness Services for a SANE exam, Counseling Services for mental health, and OASIS Advocacy Center for additional support. You can also visit the Advocacy Center of Winona or call their 24/7 helpline at 507.452.4453.
Dear Reader,
I have always heard about the 13% of all college students getting sexual assaulted. Heading off to college I told myself that I wouldn’t be part of that statistic. My mom works with domestic and sexual violence victims, so sexual assault was a common discussion topic in my household. Growing up with it, I never thought that it would actually happen to me since I knew what to look for and I knew the signs.
October 15, 2021, I went to a party with my boyfriend. He was my first romantic relationship and we had started dating a week prior. Everything was new, it was an exciting time, what many refer to as the honeymoon phase. That night, my boyfriend got drunk, as the hours progressed– the more he drank and became aggressive. I could always tell if my boyfriend was drunk or not because he became very clingy. He would always be holding onto me even when I would push him away to go hang out with other friends. He would never leave me. This was my first experience with him drinking so it was awkward and uncomfortable. I was terrified as we left the party and started walking back to campus around 1:30am. He was wasted, while I was sober trying to get him back to his building safely.
We got to the spot where we usually go our separate ways, He asked if I wanted to go back to his room, I said “No, it’s late, you have been drinking, I’ll walk you to your building door and then I will go to my room.” We got to his door, and he grabbed me and dragged me inside toward his room. I froze, I didn’t try to fight back, I didn’t run, I just obeyed. I was too stunned and terrified to do anything else. I did manage to say “no,” but he didn’t care.
When I finally got to my room hours later, I questioned everything. I questioned my worth, my identity, and my relationship. The next day my roommate asked how the party was and all I could say was “good.” I couldn’t form any other words. I was internally screaming but was terrified to tell anyone because I worried that no one would believe me.
Everyone referred to him as a great guy and I believed that they would assume that there is no way he could have done that to me. I stayed in the relationship with him for six more months, hiding what he did to me, even from my family.
After transferring schools during winter break, he came to visit during his spring break. After hanging out with our mutual friends, we headed back to my room. I was wiped from the day and just wanted to sleep but when we got back, he had other intentions. Once again, I didn’t tell anyone, I kept quiet and let it eat at me.
A month later I had all my close college friends in one room, and I told them. It was very awkward because I was concerned about their reaction. I tried to deny that it was sexual assault, I never wanted to believe it. After an hour of us discussing everything, I called my mom in tears and tried to explain what happened. Through tears and struggling to breathe, I eventually got it out. As my mom, she had her concerns such as when she first met him or how fast we got into a relationship. With her job working with domestic and sexual assault victims, she was able to give good and sound advice on next steps and how to best support me. Later that night I ended the relationship.
Looking back at everything I don’t know why I didn’t break up with him the first week of dating him. So many things he did were not okay. I didn’t want to believe the red flags that my parents and friends tried to point out to me. I was hopeful that the relationship would work out. Like I said earlier, it was my first relationship. I didn’t want to see the red flags because I didn’t want to believe that he would actually do that stuff to me.
I still secretly struggle with my mental health. For example, I find myself randomly thinking about what he did to me and I start blaming myself. My self-talk still includes things like “It’s your fault he did that,” “you let him take advantage of you,” and “you froze, you didn’t fight, so was it really rape?”
Talking with my mom has been helpful. She said I shouldn’t carry his baggage, meaning that he made the choice to harm me. He should carry the guilt and shame, not me, and if he doesn’t want to carry his baggage–then it can be left somewhere like garbage.
To my fellow survivors, I hope this is a helpful reminder that you are not alone and that you don’t need to carry or put up with another person’s trash. It’s not your fault, even if you did everything right, it doesn’t matter what you were wearing or doing, you aren’t to blame. Whether you share your story I believe you and others will too.
Sincerely,
Anonymous
